Repentance

So here we are again, another year down, another Yom Kippur upon us. Another chance to truly step back and think about the mistakes we've made and the misdeeds we've done.

I haven't had a very good year in all honesty. Far more often than is acceptable, I've been hurtful and dishonest to people I claim to (or really do) care about. Many of them have moved on, and left me behind, probably to their own advantage.

Additionally, there are those in my life, who I don't know if I wronged, but they believe I do, and have also moved on, shut me out, and said goodbye. I am guilty of mistreating them as well, because even if they just think I did something, true or not, the fact that they have reason to make those conclusions is on me.

I don't feel much like a good person lately. I'm not sure when I became so selfish and presumptious. I'm hesitant to commit to plans, even with people I care about and haven't seen, because I'm worried something else (better?) might be coming up as well. I've drifted away from family, definitely drifted away from friends, and treated girls in ways that I remember them treating me when I was young, and clearly hated.

This has not been close to my best year. Apparently my actions lead people to discuss my behavior behind my back, and share "secrets" with those who could ultimately be hurt. I'm guilty for that as well, because again any reason to discuss my behavior, whether truth or rumor, comes back to how I act.

I want to be better. I want to improve, and cherish the people who still think I have value. This post isn't meant to be a blanket apology for my past actions or deeds, just an acknowledgment that I wasn't as good as I should have been, and I do feel the effects of that behavior. Those I have lost this year, I really will miss, and those who are considering leaving, I don't blame. I'm driving you all away.

So I'll try to improve, I'll try to think harder about the impact of my life on others, and maybe next year, I won't feel quite so compelled to write this post.