Merry F'ing Christmas...

So TLTL called today to wish me a Merry Christmas...

One of the drawbacks to being a Jew this time of year is that because our culture is so Christmas-focused, the entire city is virtually shut down, and with DC so transient, nearly everyone travels somewhere to be with their own family. So unfortunately, aside from the occasional phone call, I haven't really had anyone to talk to for about 3 days now.

I'm not quite sure why she still gets to me the way she does. The combination of missing the only family Christmases I've ever attended (hers) and the fact that she brought her new guy of 2 months home for the holidays managed to set me off, and make me sound bitter and angry yet again.

Lately, that's how most of our conversations end. I'm not unhappy that she's happy. On the contrary, I'm glad she is. She hasn't had it easy the last year or so either, but I always end up feeling like she's rubbing something in. Whether its potential New Year's plans, or just hanging out with old friends at places I wasn't invited to, I can't let the feeling go that part of her wants to make me jealous.

I don't really know that she does though. I mean she has to know it upsets me, yet she swears she tries not to, and then she really does care about me/want to be my friend. I stay in touch with several of my exes, but she's the only one that still affects me on a regular basis. I want to be moved on, most of the time I think I'm moved on, but today I just want to be held, and have someone to open presents with, or eat Chinese food, or see movies, and know that more than anything they want to be with me too.

I know I deserve that, I just can't prove it to myself, and let myself have it. Maybe its a case of more time, maybe its just the winter doldrums, but either way Christmas kinda sucks.

Sorry for the rant, I genuinely hope you all are having the happy holidays that you deserve, and hopefully if/when I ever encounter any of you, I'll be back to the shiny, happy, REM-loving person that I'm capable of being.