How to Make a Living Without Really Trying

So some of you who follow my blog closely may be wondering how it’s possible to survive in a major metropolitan city for over a year without a real job during that time. I figured it couldn’t hurt to pull together a quick primer of pros and cons of unemployment, and some tips that can help you stretch your dollars and cents until that next gig comes along.

Pros of Being Jobless
As evidenced by the random inspiration for many of my posts in the last annum, the first benefit of being jobless is an abundance of free time. No longer are you burdened by that pesky 7am alarm going off. Want to sleep till 11? Who cares! Want to eat breakfast at 5pm in nothing but your socks? Go for it! (Just make sure your roommates aren’t coming home yet, unless they’re used to seeing you in your full glory.)

The next benefit of being jobless is the ability to focus on cultural phenomena that previously escaped your attention. Want to fully appreciate the douche-ness that is Spencer Pratt? Don’t worry; there is a marathon of The Hills on MTV approximately every 3 days. Even if you’ve missed season 1 and 2, I guarantee Viacom will help you get caught up.

Believe it or not, your friends and family will be strong advocates of your new-found freedom and liberation. Suddenly, you can take their car into the shop for that oil change they’ve been putting off, and there’s someone to pick Grandma up from her dermatologist appointment. “I know, PRSlave can do it!”

It’s not all menial labor though; your friends are usually good for a guilt trip or three.
“Hey, PRSlave, want to come meet us for lunch today for X’s birthday?”
“I’d love to guys but I just don’t think I can afford it right now.”
“Don’t worry, we got you covered.”

Who doesn’t love free food?

(Note: This approach can only be used a maximum of twice per friend, unless you’re either dating them or they are a blood relation.)

A final pro is a bit dicey, but can be pulled it off if you know how to sell yourself. Apparently, there can be something attractive about the guy with no job. I don’t know if these girls are looking to rebel against their parents, (“Well dad, he has no prospects, and no way of supporting himself, but he’s really nice!”) or if they’re just charitable to the needy, but the downtrodden, emotionally drained look can work for you if need it to.


Cons of Being Jobless
Yes, it’s true. Most of the lifestyle of being unemployed is exactly as fruitless and depressing as you’d expect. I’ve outlined some of the key negatives here so perhaps any future jobseekers will avoid my mistakes.

1. Just because you no longer have a reason to shower first thing in the morning, doesn’t mean it is okay to go more than two full days without bathing. Your roommates don’t pay to deal with the funk.
   
2. Your dining trends tend to dwindle as time goes on. It’s easy to make yourself a baked chicken, couscous, and steamed broccoli for dinner when you have all day to play in the kitchen; but repeatedly dining for one gradually sees those habits fade away. Remember kids, ramen and Goldfish are NOT breakfast foods.
   
3. As I’m sure many of you would expect, daytime television is not built for the under 40 set. Sure you can get caught up on every episode ever of Dawson’s Creek or 90210, but after you’ve made it through their entire catalogue, you’re stuck with watching a lot of the middle-aged career of Molly Ringwald.
   
4. Despite the occasional free meal from your charitable foundation (see above), finances are genuinely tight. Random expenses like that 3-day camping trip to Atlantic City’s finest gentleman’s clubs? Sadly off the agenda…
   
5. Do you have a car? Does it have four tires and a running engine? Good! Do everything in your power to keep it that way, even if it means walking 7 miles to job interviews in your only suit. Believe me, auto repair is an expense you can’t afford…
   
6. Also, it’s great to have outside interests to deflect your attention, team sports are a good way to be social and see your friends without having to blow a lot of cash, but if you do play sports, don’t get hurt! You’ll never know if that sore knee is a torn ACL, because you don’t have Cobra anymore to make the hospital run.

Other random tips to stretch the almighty unemployment dollar:

• Be careful about taking freelance work. The additional paycheck will allow your unemployment income to last longer, but sometimes two small paychecks don’t equal one mediocre one.
  
• Chinese food makes a fantastic series of meals. One delivery order is usually good for 2 to 4 meals. As does pizza… always get the breadsticks/cheesesticks add-on.
  
• Always pull the double feature. The best time to see a movie is mid-day on a weekday. Catch the 12:30 show (matinee pricing), and sneak into a second movie when the first one ends. Movie prices are so extortionate these days, they owe you the extra flick!