So for the first time in at least a couple of years, I decided to be a good Jew this Yom Kippur and withhold food for a full calendar day, in an effort to fully repent for my sins over the past year. Either that or my dad's guilt finally caught up with me and this was an easy way for me to get on his good side...
7:15pm: Put down knife and fork from the 16oz steak I just inhaled. Wonder if there's time before synagogue for me to order a second one. Decide that I don't need to request forgiveness for gluttony. Exit restaurant.
7:35pm: Enter synagogue for the first time in 3 years. Notice that they rebuilt the entry way. Point out
OH-SO-CUTE picture of me being confirmed when I was 16 on the wall. Remember how awkward I was from ages 4-19.
8:00pm: Rabbi enters the sanctuary. I'm impressed I still recognize him.
8:15pm: How can I still remember all these Hebrew prayers? I can barely remember to mail my gas bill, but I can recite the Maariv Aravim without looking down?
8:45pm: Rabbi's sermon is connecting Jewish guilt with our nation's economic crisis. It is also beginning to sound like an Obama campaign speech. While I can't disagree with his point, I wonder how many rich Jews in the room are secretly planning rabbi's ouster from the congregation.
9:45pm: "Good Yuntuf to all". Time to go home and fall asleep before I crave
Stone Cold Steve Ice Cream.
10:45pm: Bedtime... At least I can sleep through a third of this fast.
8:00am: Alarm goes off. Roll out of bed. Although I never would have already eaten this early, can taste the bagel I won't be getting this morning.
9:00am: Arrive at work. Debate if G-d will be mad at me if I snack before anyone else shows up. If no coworkers see me eat, does it really count as cheating?? Decide the possible lightning strike through my window isn't worth the risk.
10:15am: Have first sip of water today. Yes, its technically against the rules, but so is bathing. I need to take my vitamins, and I managed to take a shower this morning without getting smited, so pills require fluid.
11:10am: Turn down 2nd request of the day for lunch w/ a friend. Silly
goyim, don't they know I can't be tempted by Corner Bakery and Cosi?
12:25pm: Start to get up from desk to run across the street and get hot bar. Remember that I'm actually fasting. Feel hungry for the first time all day.
1:05pm: Hunger stomachache has arrived. Internally debate the sense of a religion that requires its followers to starve themselves, even if only for a day. Decide the year's forgiveness is a worthy reward, as is the potential for a roomier waistband in my jeans.
1:30pm: In an effort to distract myself, I'm now shopping online. Cafepress.com has some great campaign '08 t-shirts, I should totally order one. Plus Wyclef does their commercials so how bad could they be?
2:07pm: I need to drink water, my lips are chapped and I'm thirsty. Sorry G-d, but I don't think half a glass is too much to ask.
2:08pm: Aaaaaaaaahhhhhh...
2:45pm: Need distraction. Start checking my friends' wedding registries for possible gift ideas.
2:55pm: Realize several of my friends want the exact same items from Crate & Barrel. Wonder if C&B offers a discount if you buy in bulk.
3:30pm: Sleepiness is setting in. Start watching Friday Night Lights online to stay awake. Lament NBC's decision to run this season on Direct TV first.
3:57pm: Notice that because I've neither ate nor drank today, I've yet to make any trips to the men's room in the office. No wonder I'm going blurry from staring at the monitor. This may be blog-TMI... nah.
4:30pm: Remember that usually when I fast, I take the day off work, and break fast with my family around 3pm. No wonder this sucks...
5:22pm: Time to start shutting down. Full blown headache in effect. My eyes hurt. Everyone I've talked to online today has mentioned food... cupcakes, pizza, salad, sushi... it doesn't matter, even granola bars and trail mix sounds amazing right now.
6:30pm: Walk into Birchmere... sit down... immediately hail waitress... Pizza and French Fries??? Why the heck not?
7:06pm: First french fry enters my mouth... Oh God that's good... wait did I just take G-d's name in vain? Oh well, I can atone for that next year...
